Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
