i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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