How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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