I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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