Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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