I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
