is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
