The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
