I think my fart just growled at me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
