You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
