paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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