I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
