My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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