mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
