I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
