I wish life had little blips of pornography
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
