She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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