: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
