if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
