I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Ladies don't puke and tell
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
