Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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