My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
