She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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