I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
