we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
