Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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