just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
