We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
