mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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