i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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