I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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