I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
