You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
