You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
