so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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