Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
