I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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