I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
