On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
