I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
