a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
