I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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