im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
