I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
