I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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