Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I believe in your delicious
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
