Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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