i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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