You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
