Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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