I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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