: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
