Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
