It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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