i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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