that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
